Higher Beings

“Have you ever felt,” he started, “that someone above is watching our every move? Judging us for everything we do? Maybe somehow controlling us?”

“No, man, that’s just impossible. I mean, if that’s possible, why haven’t we found him yet?”

“What do you guys mean? Like God, or a Big Brother type thing?” A group of three guys were sitting at a table, at lunch, like they normally do everyday at 12:45 P.M. Monday’s discussion was aliens; yesterday’s was magic; today’s lovely topic was a greater influence.

“Yeah, sort of like God. Big Brother was pretty controlling, but nothing like Hitler. Maybe Hitler. Do you think Hitler is watching everything we do? Controlling us? From heaven?”

“Impossible, Kaleb. I mean, what do you think about Shaquille O’Neal? I mean, he’s pretty controlling. He could be in heaven right now, watching us on giant plasmas.”

“C’mon Zack… That’s just plain stupid. The Shaq? You think the Shaq is controlling us? I mean, there’s a better chance a rock is controlling us than Shaq.”

“Hey! You’re right! The Rock would be a better candidate for mind control! Good thinking, Ren.” The three boys were like this everyday, talking about things that couldn’t possibly exist…

“And yet, we haven’t talked about the Buddha… I mean, there isn’t anyone more controlling than that peace-loving fatty. Don’t you guys agree?” Kaleb interjected.

Zack, maybe for the first time in his life, actually thought about the question. This feeling lasted maybe a quarter of a second before his stupidity had to push it’s way past the temporary wall that is his brain. “A robot. A robot in heaven is ruling our every move.”

Ren sighed. “Why can’t you ever get this straight? Robots can’t get to heaven unless under Section R3 Paragraph 1 Subsection A. You’re looking at an almost impossibility there! I can understand The Rock, Shaq, maybe, and a very slim maybe, Buddha. But a robot? My GOD man! You can’t be THAT stupid!”

Ren and Zack continued to argue like this for quite a while as Kaleb stared into the sky. Not directly into the sun, mind you. Blindness already runs in his family. He doesn’t want it too early. He was just staring up, not at anything in particular, but more in the general direction of upwardness, toward something that may or may not be there.

It was there. It was annoyed. “What the HELL!?!” Ren yelled. “What are these?” He pointed towards his chest as he said it. It seemed that his breast had breasts. Large ones.

“Did you just grow boobs, dude?” Zack said between fits of laughter. “It DOES seem that there’s someone up there, and he or she or whatever it is just wants to make fun of you!” He continued laughing until he couldn’t anymore. As in, he couldn’t. His mouth disappeared.

“Yeah, well, at least I still have the ability to talk! And maybe something to stare at while I’m in the shower….” He chuckled. They deflated. “Damn…”

“Guys,” Kaleb started, “I think you guys might want to apologize. Whoever is up there seems kind of pissed. Maybe you should just stop talking altogether…” Suddenly, a brick from above dropped onto the table between them. It was lucky that they weren’t leaning over it or anything, or that twenty ton boulder would’ve turned one of them into pancakes.

Syrup began to fall from the sky too, landing, very specifically, on Ren’s head. “But I’m not a pancake!” A loud whistling noise sounded from above, and a large shadow appeared around Ren. He moved. It moved. The shadow was chasing him around the courtyard.

Kaleb looked up, and saw no boulder, but in fact, a flapjack. “Please, Almighty Being! Please don’t turn my friends into breakfast foods! I beg of you in all of your mercy!” The flapjack disappeared. It was as simple as saying, “Farewell flapjacks!” or perhaps, “Please leave pancakes!” It wasn’t all that hard really. The author of this story is pretty merciful.

“Hey! I can talk again!” Zack said, after his mouth magically reappeared. Ren’s head was free of tree byproduct with added sugar, and his anatomy was estrogen free.

“Thank you, O! merciful Being of Great Power!” They all screamed into the sky.

~~~~~~~~~

Meanwhile, the author of this story slowly laughs to himself as Zack failed to realize his mouth was placed on his ass.

Suckers.